Machete

"I took a vow of peace, and now you want me to help you kill all these men?"


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Plot Summary: Machete, Federale extraordinaire, has been hired by some men of questionable character to assassinate a senator. As with most people who hire others to kill, they are not to be trusted and Machete soon realizes he's been set up. What does he do? What any sensible person would do in his position - exact revenge on those who've spurned him, enlisting the help of some friends... one of whom is a priest.

This movie sounds like an amusing romp full of old-fashioned, over the top violence and lots of gratuitous nudity - all things I'm a big fan of. Machete is the full-length version of the fake trailer which was shown in between the Grindhouse movies Planet Terror and Death Proof. This was arguably the best "trailer" out of the bunch (which also included Don't, Werewolf Women of the SS, and Thanksgiving) and I had been hoping they were going to make it into a full-length feature. Looks like I got my wish!

I figure this is either going to be so bad it's awesome, or so bad it's BAD. Hopefully, director Robert Rodriguez didn't take himself too seriously and had a lot of fun with the content, allowing me 90-minutes brain radio silence and letting my 16-year-old inner child come out to play. That's all I'm asking for, really. I'm not looking for anything revolutionary. Not expecting this to win any awards. I just want it to be a badass homage to grindhouse movies of the 1970's a la Planet Terror and Death Proof.

There's quite the interesting cast of characters, too. First we have Danny Trejo, who finally has the perfect vehicle for a starring role. You've most likely seen him before... he's in roughly 220,348 movies a year. Kinda like William H. Macy in the 90's. Then we have Cheech Marin, who plays a priest enlisted to help Machete with his vendetta. We have bombshells Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in the roles of Eye Candy #1 and Eye Candy #2 (not really). There's also America's favorite train wreck Lindsay Lohan playing... wait for it... a NUN... with a gun!! That's so crazy it could actually work.

I can't forget Robert de Niro, who plays the senator Machete was contracted to kill. Nor can I leave out Steven Seagal. Yes, that's right - THE Steven Seagal. Can't stand him normally, but this guy's so cheesy and bad, this is the perfect movie for him! My final shout-out goes to Don Johnson, for whom I can't think of anything to say...

I'm also a big fan of Robert Rodriguez. Sin City is one of my favorite movies, Planet Terror was the better Grindhouse movie (sorry, QT!) and The Faculty is extremely underrated. He's got a knack for cult hits, so I hope this falls in line.

In order for this movie to work, it really needs to be over the top. And with a gun attached to the hood of a car, and a machine gun shooting off rounds on the handlebars of a motorcycle while Machete flies through the air against an explosive background, I'm hopeful it will. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't, but I'll still be looking forward to this when it comes out.

The Verdict: In the theater