Devil

"Do I look like such a threat?"



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Plot Summary: A group of people, conveniently mixed of different genders, races, and ages, are trapped in an elevator. Weird, mysterious stuff begins to happen as not all is as it seems. The Devil himself may be among them and even the people trying to rescue them don't know what's going on.

Devil is being marketed as "from the mind of M. Night Shamalayamala," but honestly, that doesn't have the credibility it once had. Ramalamadingdong is one of the most overrated hacks in Hollywood. At least he's not directing it, otherwise it's all but guaranteed to suck. As it stands, it's only likely that it will suck. How this guy is still being given money to create movies is beyond me. Ok sure, The Sixth Sense was great and no one saw that ending coming. Then we had Signs, a mediocre film in which invading aliens are vulnerable to water, even though Earth's atmosphere is made up of 50% water vapor. Shamalama's body of work continued to decline with The Village, and then even further with Lady in the Water. People thought he couldn't sink any lower than The Happening, but then he proved them wrong with this summer's The Last Airbender. The latter being a particularly sensitive subject since the cartoon it's based off of is pretty damn awesome. After this body of crap he's produced, it's a wonder he can still find work.

On to the trailer though. Once I saw the pothead from Super Troopers in it, all I could hear in my head for the rest of the trailer was "the snosberries taste like snosberries." The movie looks a little contrived, and already the trailer hints at the potential for cheesy lines like the one above. Ooooo, could she really be a threat? I don't know, but it's suspicious she alluded to it! Ugh. Maybe I'm being overly critical since it's quite obvious I have a bias against Shmumai, but seriously how can one not?

I also gotta admit, I felt a little nauseous watching, but I couldn't tell if it was from seeing Yamalamala's name or the upside down shots of the city. Either way, I'd like to keep my lunch in my stomach. To be fair, the rest of the cinematography looked like it could be pretty decent. And there were a few moments that made it seem like there could be some good material, but so did The Happening and we all know how that turned out.

I'll still keep an eye on this when it comes out, just in case it ends up being surprisingly good. I love my horror movies, but I'm not holding my breath on this one. Especially since one of the directors is responsible for unleashing Quarantine, a remake of a Spanish film called Rec., on the masses. [Shudder]

The Verdict: Save for Blu-ray

Machete

"I took a vow of peace, and now you want me to help you kill all these men?"


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Plot Summary: Machete, Federale extraordinaire, has been hired by some men of questionable character to assassinate a senator. As with most people who hire others to kill, they are not to be trusted and Machete soon realizes he's been set up. What does he do? What any sensible person would do in his position - exact revenge on those who've spurned him, enlisting the help of some friends... one of whom is a priest.

This movie sounds like an amusing romp full of old-fashioned, over the top violence and lots of gratuitous nudity - all things I'm a big fan of. Machete is the full-length version of the fake trailer which was shown in between the Grindhouse movies Planet Terror and Death Proof. This was arguably the best "trailer" out of the bunch (which also included Don't, Werewolf Women of the SS, and Thanksgiving) and I had been hoping they were going to make it into a full-length feature. Looks like I got my wish!

I figure this is either going to be so bad it's awesome, or so bad it's BAD. Hopefully, director Robert Rodriguez didn't take himself too seriously and had a lot of fun with the content, allowing me 90-minutes brain radio silence and letting my 16-year-old inner child come out to play. That's all I'm asking for, really. I'm not looking for anything revolutionary. Not expecting this to win any awards. I just want it to be a badass homage to grindhouse movies of the 1970's a la Planet Terror and Death Proof.

There's quite the interesting cast of characters, too. First we have Danny Trejo, who finally has the perfect vehicle for a starring role. You've most likely seen him before... he's in roughly 220,348 movies a year. Kinda like William H. Macy in the 90's. Then we have Cheech Marin, who plays a priest enlisted to help Machete with his vendetta. We have bombshells Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in the roles of Eye Candy #1 and Eye Candy #2 (not really). There's also America's favorite train wreck Lindsay Lohan playing... wait for it... a NUN... with a gun!! That's so crazy it could actually work.

I can't forget Robert de Niro, who plays the senator Machete was contracted to kill. Nor can I leave out Steven Seagal. Yes, that's right - THE Steven Seagal. Can't stand him normally, but this guy's so cheesy and bad, this is the perfect movie for him! My final shout-out goes to Don Johnson, for whom I can't think of anything to say...

I'm also a big fan of Robert Rodriguez. Sin City is one of my favorite movies, Planet Terror was the better Grindhouse movie (sorry, QT!) and The Faculty is extremely underrated. He's got a knack for cult hits, so I hope this falls in line.

In order for this movie to work, it really needs to be over the top. And with a gun attached to the hood of a car, and a machine gun shooting off rounds on the handlebars of a motorcycle while Machete flies through the air against an explosive background, I'm hopeful it will. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't, but I'll still be looking forward to this when it comes out.

The Verdict: In the theater

Get Low

"A thousand years ago, he was the most interesting man I'd ever met."



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Plot Summary: Set in 1930's Tennessee, a crazy recluse comes into town for the first time in 4 years to plan a good ol' par-tay. But this ain't any ol' par-tay - this is a funeral par-tay. But this ain't any ol' funeral par-tay either - this is his funeral par-tay. And he wants to have it while he's still alive. And he wants people to come who have a craaaaaazy story to tell about him. He'll cap off the evening by sharing his own reasons for being sooooo crazy and running off to be a hermit in the woods.

The plot alone was enough to hook me. But Bill Murray in another quirky, serious role seals the deal. I know he's supposedly a total ass in real life, but honestly I don't care when it comes to him. It's not like he's in the public eye being a douche or saying things like "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" (I'm looking at you, Mel). Bill is just a cocky, arrogant, jerk - but as long as he keeps giving us performances like the ones in Broken Flowers, Lost in Translation, or The Royal Tenenbaums, then he can be that way all he wants and I'll still buy tickets to his movies. Mel, not so much...

Bill's done a great thing with his career. He's established that he can do mainstream comedy brilliantly starting as early as Saturday Night Live in the 70s. But what he's done over the last 15 or so years is choosing (mostly) smart and risky characters in quirky, independent films. He's unleashed this vulnerable side, absent from earlier work, breathing life into the characters he portrays. I hope that trend continues with Get Low.

There are other great actors as well, of course. Sissy Spacek, crazy or not, is still a great actress. And then there's the Robert Duvall, who's been in everything from Bullit to the Godfather to even [shudder] Four Christmases. I'm excited to see them all.

The whole set-up sounds intriguing, and the trailer definitely leaves me wanting to know what he's going to say to the attending crowd or how it's all going to go down. I'm also on this 1930's nostalgia kick. I have no idea why, but early 20th century America is just so fascinating to me. The country was on the verge of a major cultural shift leading up to WWII.

Unfortunately, I don't think Get Low be getting a wide release and might wind up just playing in smaller theaters. That's just the way it goes with these movies sometimes, unless it's called Little Miss Sunshine or Juno. Luckily, there's an incredible theater a couple miles down the street called Kendall Square Cinema, which will most likely be playing this. Sadly, I don't get to go so often even though I'm just as big a fan of these small, quirky kinds of movies as I am huge popcorn blockbusters like Transformers. There's a certain mindset you have to go in to them with in order to be fully appreciative. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see it in the theater.

The Verdict: In the theater

Pirahna 3D

"This particular piranha vanished two million years ago."


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Plot Summary: It's spring break as tens of thousands of drunk horny college students descend on Lake Victoria. Unfortunately, a recent earthquake opens a fissure unleashing prehistoric piranha on the unsuspecting overly-attractive partiers. Blood and guts follow as local law enforcement try to figure out what's going on and how to stop it.

Piranha 3D is the 2nd sequel to a mediocre film that was made to capitalize off Jaws' success. It follows the 1981 trashtastic sequel directed by the now much better James Cameron. Now, I'm a fan of gory, campy horror movies, and I hope that's the direction this takes - a bunch of self-aware horror stereotypes, but with some hardcore gore and horror.

Christopher Lloyd could be perfect for this kind of movie, so I do have a little shred of hope. And I've seen some photos from the set floating around on the internet and it looks like it promises on the gore. But I dunno, I just have a hard time seeing this as a great horror flick. Maybe it's because there was absolutely no reason why this even needed to be made. Is there some very small circle of Piranha fans that were begging for this?

I think what makes me nervous about this is the 3D aspect. I know I said I'm a 3D fan, but this could be the bad kind. And the specials on the fish look iffy at best. But maybe that'll be part of the charm... having them flying at your face. I'm just saying it makes me a little hesitant to see it right away is all.

Either way, it's coming out in August and hopefully it'll be a fun way to begin the end of summer. I think we can all agree this isn't going to win any awards, but hopefully it finds its place in cult-dom. I haven't made up my mind yet if I'll see this in the theaters on on blu-ray... probably just blu-ray unless I hear it's really cool in 3D.

Verdict: Save for Blu-Ray

The Expendables

"In 10 seconds you won't believe what's gonna happen"


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Plot Summary: A rag-tag gang of mercenaries take a trip to the tropical South American island paradise of Vilena (warning: do NOT google this word...) and meet up with a hot babe. But now's not the time for frolicking on the hot, sunny beaches because this babe called them down there to overthrow the country's genocidal dictator. Begin mayhem.

Expendables looks to be the testosterone fueled he-man action movie to end all testosterone fueled he-man action movies. With a cast that includes Sly Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Ahnuld Schwarzenegger, I'd say they're off to a damn good start.

I'm a bit on the fence about action movies like this. On the one hand, I do love a good ass-kicking, but on the other, I gotta say most of these macho action movies are pretty bad. But I do very much hope this one succeeds. If it fails, it would be a waste of so much amazing ass-kicking talent it would be criminal. Lionsgate better deliver, otherwise they're going to have a lot of pissed off action heroes to answer to. I mean, have they seen Rocky 4??

Thankfully, the Governator was able to take some time off from trying to solve California's massive budget crisis to make a cameo - I don't think this movie could be made without his leathered face in it. Seriously.

The cast alone has garnered enough buzz that I'm pretty sure it'll be successful no matter what. Add to that the fact that not too many R-rated adult action movies are coming out this summer and it's pretty much guaranteed. My money is mostly likely contributing to the gross.

Unfortunately, as I watched this trailer all I could hear was "...with club sauce" in my head after everything the announcer said. And while, it made me laugh, it was a bit distracting. Am I right that it sounds like Gob Bluth is reading that copy??

The movie does look very promising. Fights, explosions, hot girls, guys who wear their balls on their sleeves, "down with America" dictators that audiences can rally against... it's got everything you could possibly need. I just hope it doesn't disappoint like so many before it. I have a really hard time imagining how this could possibly be bad. It looks totally badass and I'm pretty excited. I won't be the first in line... but maybe like 50th or 51st.

Verdict: In the theater

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 & 2

"Only I can live forever."





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Plot Summary: Really? If you don't know what Harry Potter's about you've either been living under a rock or imprisoned in an Austrian basement for 18 years. Either way, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows splits into two parts the final chapter of this franchise. Who will win - good or evil? I'm not much of a gamblin' man but I'm willing to put my money on "good."

I'm going to preface this by saying I have not read the Harry Potter books (I know... shocking, right?). That being said, I still love these movies and I'm very excited for this final one. Harry Potter has grown up and so have the movies. Each movie has been darker than the last, and this trailer leads me to believe that's not about to change. It started out as a light-hearted kid's tale about a boy whose fame precedes him due to being the only one who's ever survived an encounter with He Who Shall Not Be Named. Now, it's transformed into a deep multi-layer character story on good and evil. Not bad for a "kid's movie."

There are lots of elements in this trailer that make me excited for these movies: the promise of an epic battle between good wizards and bad, dragons, Ron kicking some butt finally, the increasingly graceful Hermione, and a final wizard-off between Harry and Voldemort amidst the ruins of Hogwarts. Very exciting, indeed! I've heard some complain about it being in two parts, and to that I say BOLLOCKS! The book is a whopping 1,322,098,234 pages and if they tried to cram it all into one movie it would be absolutely terrible.

Oh, and it's going to be in 3-D! After having seen Avatar 3 times, I'm fully on board with movies in 3-D. But not the kind the hokey kind that throws stuff at your face to try and make you jump - save that for the 80's. I'm talking about the kind that makes you forget for a second that you're watching a movie and gives you the feeling that you're standing next to the camera watching it being filmed. And I'm hoping that's what this is going to be like. When I saw the Half-Blood Prince in IMAX, the first 15 or so minutes was in 3-D and that looked very promising. I'm hoping it either looks the same or better for these.

I've got to hand it to the cast of these movies - each one has played their parts excellently and I've never felt like anyone's phoned it in. My favorite character is probably Bellatrix Lestrange, if only because Helena Bonham Carter plays crazy so well. But I've also got to give director David Yates heaping amounts of praise. He really took over the previous two films and injected a sense of danger and vulnerability that was missing from previous installments and I'm excited to see what he's done with these last two. Don't get me wrong, Chris Columbus did a great job keeping the playful and sheltered tone needed to draw in the young audience - the same he used for his 90's classics Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire. And I have to hand it to Warner Brothers for utilizing different directors like Alfonso Cuaron (Y tu mama tambien = awesome) and Mike Newell to give these movies a breath of fresh air and help mature them with their characters and audience. There was a rumor a while back that Guillermo del Toro (of the epic Pan's Labyrinth) was going to direct these chapters - how incredibly AWESOME would that have been?? But I'm confident Yates is perfectly capable of finishing the job wonderfully.

It's sad to think that next year will be the last year we see a Harry Potter movie. The first would have debuted 10 years prior so it's become somewhat of a normalcy that one is always around the corner. The Sorcerer's Stone was on TV recently and I almost fell off the couch when I saw how young the kids looked. It's crazy to think the first time I saw this movie was in the form of an illegally downloaded copy in my freshman college dorm room. Good times.

Verdict: Opening Weekend

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

"Am I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea?"

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Plot Summary: Everybody knows dogs and cats don't get along. But what will happen when they have to team up and stop Kitty Galore from whatever madness she's cooking up?? Oh, and there are pigeons and squirrels, too. "Dogs and cats... living together... mass hysteria!"

Oh... my... gah... what the hell is this crap?? I don't think I'm going out on much of a limb to say watching this movie might make you stupider (ahh! It's already working!!). Whoever slipped that above quote into the trailer is on to something...

There's so much wrong with this movie, I don't even know where to begin. First, "Kitty Galore" makes me want to go all Chris Brown up in here. How dare they disgrace the good Pussy name??

Next, don't they realize catnip is pretty much pot for cats? Great message, Warner Bros. Kudos though, for getting a drug reference by the MPAA.

And a squirrel dancing to the Hamster Dance Song? That makes no sense! Was this movie written in 1999?? When was the last time the Hamster Dance was even relevant?

And the tagline... ohhhhh the tagline... "Just like real spies... only furrier." WHAT!?

Poor poor Fred Armisen and Neil Patrick Harris. I can't believe you'd lower yourselves to this. At least NPH has the luxury of only being a voice and not have to be visibly associated with this dreck.

Parents who bring their kids to this should be investigated by child services for child endangerment. There are lots of better movies to take your kids to, like Toy Story 3 or even Karate Kid. I beg of you, PLEASE don't go see this movie. The only way to stop stuff like this from being greenlit is to NOT GO. Because you flocked to the theaters for Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, we're going to keep getting more of this. In fact, why not just give me your money instead and I'll make a video of my dog "saying" funny stuff.

This movie is just so painful to think about that I don't even want to write anymore.

Verdict: I'd rather watch The Hamster Dance for 90 minutes than this dreck.