The Expendables

"In 10 seconds you won't believe what's gonna happen"


IMDB it

Plot Summary: A rag-tag gang of mercenaries take a trip to the tropical South American island paradise of Vilena (warning: do NOT google this word...) and meet up with a hot babe. But now's not the time for frolicking on the hot, sunny beaches because this babe called them down there to overthrow the country's genocidal dictator. Begin mayhem.

Expendables looks to be the testosterone fueled he-man action movie to end all testosterone fueled he-man action movies. With a cast that includes Sly Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Ahnuld Schwarzenegger, I'd say they're off to a damn good start.

I'm a bit on the fence about action movies like this. On the one hand, I do love a good ass-kicking, but on the other, I gotta say most of these macho action movies are pretty bad. But I do very much hope this one succeeds. If it fails, it would be a waste of so much amazing ass-kicking talent it would be criminal. Lionsgate better deliver, otherwise they're going to have a lot of pissed off action heroes to answer to. I mean, have they seen Rocky 4??

Thankfully, the Governator was able to take some time off from trying to solve California's massive budget crisis to make a cameo - I don't think this movie could be made without his leathered face in it. Seriously.

The cast alone has garnered enough buzz that I'm pretty sure it'll be successful no matter what. Add to that the fact that not too many R-rated adult action movies are coming out this summer and it's pretty much guaranteed. My money is mostly likely contributing to the gross.

Unfortunately, as I watched this trailer all I could hear was "...with club sauce" in my head after everything the announcer said. And while, it made me laugh, it was a bit distracting. Am I right that it sounds like Gob Bluth is reading that copy??

The movie does look very promising. Fights, explosions, hot girls, guys who wear their balls on their sleeves, "down with America" dictators that audiences can rally against... it's got everything you could possibly need. I just hope it doesn't disappoint like so many before it. I have a really hard time imagining how this could possibly be bad. It looks totally badass and I'm pretty excited. I won't be the first in line... but maybe like 50th or 51st.

Verdict: In the theater

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 & 2

"Only I can live forever."





IMDB it (Part 1)
IMDB it (Part 2)

Plot Summary: Really? If you don't know what Harry Potter's about you've either been living under a rock or imprisoned in an Austrian basement for 18 years. Either way, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows splits into two parts the final chapter of this franchise. Who will win - good or evil? I'm not much of a gamblin' man but I'm willing to put my money on "good."

I'm going to preface this by saying I have not read the Harry Potter books (I know... shocking, right?). That being said, I still love these movies and I'm very excited for this final one. Harry Potter has grown up and so have the movies. Each movie has been darker than the last, and this trailer leads me to believe that's not about to change. It started out as a light-hearted kid's tale about a boy whose fame precedes him due to being the only one who's ever survived an encounter with He Who Shall Not Be Named. Now, it's transformed into a deep multi-layer character story on good and evil. Not bad for a "kid's movie."

There are lots of elements in this trailer that make me excited for these movies: the promise of an epic battle between good wizards and bad, dragons, Ron kicking some butt finally, the increasingly graceful Hermione, and a final wizard-off between Harry and Voldemort amidst the ruins of Hogwarts. Very exciting, indeed! I've heard some complain about it being in two parts, and to that I say BOLLOCKS! The book is a whopping 1,322,098,234 pages and if they tried to cram it all into one movie it would be absolutely terrible.

Oh, and it's going to be in 3-D! After having seen Avatar 3 times, I'm fully on board with movies in 3-D. But not the kind the hokey kind that throws stuff at your face to try and make you jump - save that for the 80's. I'm talking about the kind that makes you forget for a second that you're watching a movie and gives you the feeling that you're standing next to the camera watching it being filmed. And I'm hoping that's what this is going to be like. When I saw the Half-Blood Prince in IMAX, the first 15 or so minutes was in 3-D and that looked very promising. I'm hoping it either looks the same or better for these.

I've got to hand it to the cast of these movies - each one has played their parts excellently and I've never felt like anyone's phoned it in. My favorite character is probably Bellatrix Lestrange, if only because Helena Bonham Carter plays crazy so well. But I've also got to give director David Yates heaping amounts of praise. He really took over the previous two films and injected a sense of danger and vulnerability that was missing from previous installments and I'm excited to see what he's done with these last two. Don't get me wrong, Chris Columbus did a great job keeping the playful and sheltered tone needed to draw in the young audience - the same he used for his 90's classics Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire. And I have to hand it to Warner Brothers for utilizing different directors like Alfonso Cuaron (Y tu mama tambien = awesome) and Mike Newell to give these movies a breath of fresh air and help mature them with their characters and audience. There was a rumor a while back that Guillermo del Toro (of the epic Pan's Labyrinth) was going to direct these chapters - how incredibly AWESOME would that have been?? But I'm confident Yates is perfectly capable of finishing the job wonderfully.

It's sad to think that next year will be the last year we see a Harry Potter movie. The first would have debuted 10 years prior so it's become somewhat of a normalcy that one is always around the corner. The Sorcerer's Stone was on TV recently and I almost fell off the couch when I saw how young the kids looked. It's crazy to think the first time I saw this movie was in the form of an illegally downloaded copy in my freshman college dorm room. Good times.

Verdict: Opening Weekend

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

"Am I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea?"

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Everybody knows dogs and cats don't get along. But what will happen when they have to team up and stop Kitty Galore from whatever madness she's cooking up?? Oh, and there are pigeons and squirrels, too. "Dogs and cats... living together... mass hysteria!"

Oh... my... gah... what the hell is this crap?? I don't think I'm going out on much of a limb to say watching this movie might make you stupider (ahh! It's already working!!). Whoever slipped that above quote into the trailer is on to something...

There's so much wrong with this movie, I don't even know where to begin. First, "Kitty Galore" makes me want to go all Chris Brown up in here. How dare they disgrace the good Pussy name??

Next, don't they realize catnip is pretty much pot for cats? Great message, Warner Bros. Kudos though, for getting a drug reference by the MPAA.

And a squirrel dancing to the Hamster Dance Song? That makes no sense! Was this movie written in 1999?? When was the last time the Hamster Dance was even relevant?

And the tagline... ohhhhh the tagline... "Just like real spies... only furrier." WHAT!?

Poor poor Fred Armisen and Neil Patrick Harris. I can't believe you'd lower yourselves to this. At least NPH has the luxury of only being a voice and not have to be visibly associated with this dreck.

Parents who bring their kids to this should be investigated by child services for child endangerment. There are lots of better movies to take your kids to, like Toy Story 3 or even Karate Kid. I beg of you, PLEASE don't go see this movie. The only way to stop stuff like this from being greenlit is to NOT GO. Because you flocked to the theaters for Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, we're going to keep getting more of this. In fact, why not just give me your money instead and I'll make a video of my dog "saying" funny stuff.

This movie is just so painful to think about that I don't even want to write anymore.

Verdict: I'd rather watch The Hamster Dance for 90 minutes than this dreck.

Little Fockers

"No, you're not going to erase my son's memory"

IMDB it

Plot Summary: We met the parents, we met the Fockers, and now we meet the Little Fockers. It's not complicated...

Do we really need another one of these movies? The last one came out 6 years ago, and I haven't heard anyone say "man, wouldn't it be awesome if there was a second Meet the Parents sequel??" That's because no one cares. Sure, the last movie made over $200 mil... but it sucked. I'm sure this will continue the trend.

While the title is good for a slight chuckle, it's another re-hash of a recurring joke from the first movie 10 years ago (wow, I feel old)... and the second... Leads me to believe the whole movie will be equally as unoriginal. I guess we should be lucky they don't live on a farm - then we might have to deal with Sheep Focker. Hm, maybe I should get a job writing for Universal.

Even the trailer doesn't seem that funny - and usually with crappy comedies they cram trailers with all the funny scenes. The best they could give us was an erection joke? And while Ben Stiller is king of the walk-in-at-just-the-right-time-awkward-situations, I much prefer his character comedy work like Zoolander and Tropic Thunder. Then again, my favorite movie when I was younger was There's Something About Mary (wow, now I feel older).

Point is, this looks pretty dumb. I'm fully willing to admit when I'm wrong, but I just see "awful" written all over this. There's nothing about this trailer that's appealing or excites me. Now if only I could get Robert DeNiro (poor Robert... what happened to you??) to erase my memory of seeing this trailer.

Verdict: HELLS no

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

"If we're going to date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes."

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Socially awkward hipster band geek has a major crush on too-cool-for-school hipster girl. But in order to be with her, he must first defeat her seven evil exes. One by one he knocks them down... until? Well, I don't know if he wins or loses or even loses but still wins the girl or what.

Whichever way, I'm hoping this movie turns out to be as fun as it looks. I haven't read the comic it's based off of, but I looked it up on wikipedia when I saw the teaser a little while back, and apparently it's an Americanized anime that has a significant cult following. I'm not a huge anime fan, but there are certain ones I do like, such as anything Miyazaki has ever done and I do have a soft spot for Bleach and FLCL on adult swim, so this could be up my alley.

I figured it could go a couple ways; it could either be really good or really dumb and over worked. But after seeing that trailer, I'm leaning toward the really good side just because it looks pretty cool. This is what I would expect a good live-action version of an anime to look like: a bit of campy, over-dramatic, cheese based in reality.

The whole premise just seems like a lot of fun - "defeat my seven evil exes." That's some good stuff right there. I want to see this, but I might not rush to the theater... unless it gets like 100% on rotten tomatoes or something.

Besides, I'd give anything for any semblance of an Arrested Development reunion - "her?" - and since the actual movie is never. going. to happen (it breaks my heart), casting George Michael and Annabell - you know, because she's shaped like a... never mind - together will just have to do. And Bland as a lesbian "ex" is pretty progressive for a comic geared toward teens. Even Scott's roommate is gay (at least in the comic). Take that, establishment!

I really hope I'm not wrong about this one, because while Michael Cera has been in some awesome movies (Nick & Norah) and some awesomer ones (Superbad), he's also been in some huge disappointments (Year One).

Verdict: In the theater (unless I hear it sucks)

Inception

"Dreams feel real when we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange."

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Leo is deeply involved in an operation involving stealing ideas from people's dreams. Corruption runs a muck, and his only way back to normal life (and a fiiiiiiine woman) is to complete one. final. job. With the help of Ellen Page, yay!

I have to be completely honest. I'm totally, 110% unabashedly bias in my verdict of this movie. Ever since I saw the teaser (which, by the way, I will never discuss those here - only full trailers), I had been waiting for the full-length trailer like a fat kid waiting for Easter. The scene with the city streets folding over itself? Chills. I've had the biggest desire to see this ever since and cannot WAIT until its July release. Damn the rating system - I'll be the first in line at Jordan's IMAX when this beast comes out. For several perfectly valid reasons, of course:

1.) Christopher Nolan. Really? Do I really need to go on from here? Despite his short resume, I'm convinced he's one of the greatest directors actively working. What he does with the rest of his career will determine whether or not that claim will be extended to "of all-time." Memento is incredible - even if only for featuring a lovely non-leathered Carrie Anne Moss. The Dark Knight, too amazing for words. This man took a tired comic book comic book movie franchise and transformed it into a masterpiece of cinematic wonder. 2012 can't come soon enough for his third foray into Gotham City. I'm thankful it'll be out before the world ends.

2.) Leo DiCaprio. Past Leo-mania aside, this is a guy who many considered just another teen heartthrob on his way to owning a rehab timeshare a la Corey Haim (too soon?), and has developed into one of the most talented actors of our generation. Say what you will about him, but I honestly believe that. All one needs to do for proof is watch Shutter Island, Revolutionary Road, The Departed, Blood Diamond, or the Aviator.

3.) Ellen Page. Down with the haters - I actually like Ellen Page. She has such a mature, self-aware attitude that really shows in her performances. Ever see Hard Candy? I recommend you check it out and re-evaluate your opinion.

4.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Again, another actor I consider one of the most talented of our generation. Damn the hipsters, I loved (500) Days of Summer. His turn in Mysterious Skin was emotional. And he was really the only redeeming quality in GI Joe. A former "child star" just like #2, he took the same career path by laying low and choosing smart independent films before breaking back into the mainstream a new man.

5.) Michael Caine, Cillian Murphy, Marion Cotillard. Honestly now, when you really think about it, is this not one of the best overall movie casts in a long time?? I've placed these three in their own category because it looks as though they might be ancillary characters. But still, Michael is a class act, Cillian's had some great performances in Batman Begins and 28 Days Later, and Marion is simply stunning. Have to admit I never saw La Vie En Rose, but she was great in Public Enemies. And she's beautiful beautiful beautiful.

This movie has so much going for me. July is right around the corner and I'm starting to dread it's release. I'm terrified that it's going to be bad. The only thing worse for me than seeing a bad movie, is being disappointed in a movie I'm dying to see.

Then again, that's the job of a trailer. Hype up as many people as possible and cash in on opening weekend. CNolan doesn't do movies that way though. He's too much of an artist when it comes to film. Much like Scorcese. That's why I'm PRAYING this movie is everything I hope it to be and more.

The special effects look incredible (I'm sure even moreso in IMAX), the cast is brilliant, the director is amazing, and the story sounds, well, mostly original (I hate to admit it bears a very VERY slight resemblance to The Cell). I just know I'm hyping myself up for disappointment, but I don't care. I really don't.

I can't freaking wait to see this movie.

Verdict: yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesPLEASE

You Again

"I'm also on Facebook. And the Twitter."

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Gossip Girl comes home for her brother's wedding only to find out he's marrying the girl who made her life a living hell in high school. But wise mama knows you can't get through high school unscathed and advises she drop it. But then - dun dunnnnn! - mama's high school nemesis, now the fiancee's aunt, shows up. Hilarity ensues and lessons are learned.

Everything about this movie sends up red flags. Chick flick? FLAG! PG rating? FLAG! Risk of seeing Jamie Lee Curtis's vag-enis? RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I kid, I kid. Obvi JLC is not a hermie. And her work in Halloween is the stuff wet dreams are made of. What made me click on this trailer was seeing Sigourney Weaver and Betty White on the poster. These are two actresses I will see ANYTHING they're in. Anything. Ripley? Perfection! Rose? Exquisite! On the one hand, I'm hoping James Cameron can bring Sigourney back for the next two Avatar films. On the other, I'm hoping someone invents a serum that will make Betty White live forever.

My first after-viewing thought was how the hell in our technology ridden society has this girl never even seen a picture of her brother's fiancee or even know her name?? You'd think she would have realized before she got there who she was.

To be fair, the movie looks like it could actually be pretty funny. Both Betty and Sigourney (and yes, even JLC) have great comedic timing, and I don't think either of them are in a position where they would pick a movie just for the paycheck. Betty White is probably the hardest working actress in Hollywood right now and good for her! She definitely deserves it, even if I am beginning to teeter on over-Betty-exposure. In fact, one of the aspects I liked about the trailer was how much they reined in the Betty and only showed a couple clips. Too many things recently have tried to capitalize on the Bettymania. Oh, and helloooooo Kristin Chenoweth!

Based on the PG rating, it's a safe bet this won't be raunchy and there won't be any nakedness. Again, this could be a good thing since everyone and their mother has been hiring Betty White to say the dirtiest, raunchiest things they can write. Get it? It's funny because she's so old!! And even though I like raunchy comedies as much as the next guy, people do need to realize that you can still be funny without the fucks and the shits.

Frankly, this could go either way for me. It'll either be watered down to the point that it's a soupy mess, or it'll have just the right amount of water for it to bloom (sue me, I'm bad at metaphors). I am interested in eventually seeing it, it just depends on whether it's worth shelling out the $10 bucks to see in the theater, or if it'll end up on my Netflix queue. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on the word of mouth once this hits theaters.

Oh, and Sigourney? You wore it best.

Verdict: Save for Blu-ray

Welome to Trailer Trash

A lot of people think I'm weird. Hell, even I think I'm weird.

Case in point: I love movie trailers.

Whereas most of my friends and family complain about all the trailers before movies, I complain when there aren't enough. In fact, it downright pisses me off. To make up for it, I'll come home and watch movie trailers on Apple for hours.

I'm also the guy that you quietly hear after every trailer say "ooo, I can't wait to see that" or "this looks like utter crap."

And so I bring you Trailer Trash - my own little forum to critique, mock, worship, and crucify (not all at the same time) the hundreds of thousands of movie trailers I watch. I invite you to join me on my journey through coming attractions. Laugh and cry with me. The end of every post (except this one) will indicate if/when I will partake in a viewing:

Opening weekend
In the theater
Save for Blu-ray
HELLS no

There'll be other caveats, too. Point is, there will be some sort of rating scale that doesn't involve stars or grades.

I'm not known for my dedication to a particular hobby (except skiing), so I'm hoping this doesn't turn into another "idea of the day." Stay tuned.

Like I said... I'm weird. You've been warned.