Scream 4

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Release Date: April 15, 2011

Plot Summary: Poor Sidney Prescott just can't catch a break. This girl has been through it all. First, her high school boyfriend killed her classmates and best friend before being the target herself and framing her dad. Then, while attending college, her new boyfriend's best friend teamed up with her old boyfriend's mother to kill her new classmates and new best friend. After graduating, she tries to lay low, but can't escape once the actors of the movies being made about her life are being killed by her newly discovered half brother. Now, 10 years later, it looks like she's not done yet...

Ok ok... I know. I haven't done one of these in several months. I warned you that I'm a little ADD when it comes to starting a project, but I'm back. And I'm here with Scream 4. I'm a huge Scream fan. The movie single-handedly re-launched the slasher genre in the 90's. Though I'm a horror aficionado, I have to say I'm not a fan of the horror sequel (usually). Now Scream has 3 of them. Do we really need a 4th? Is there really any way Wes can make this one different than the previous 3 installments? Plus, the 3rd was awful and the 2nd just bad. I'm not convinced.

On the other hand, I think Courtney Love is like a fine wine... she only gets better with age. I swear she looks hotter in this one than she did in the others. And the woman's on the bad half of 40! 'Atta girl! Her co-star, David Arquette, should be kicking himself for letting that one go. As for Neve Campbell, she still looks good, too. She hasn't really done anything noteworthy though except for Scream 3. So sad. Interestingly, it also has Anna Paquin (Ssssssookeh) and Mary McDonnell (Madame President) which admittedly makes me a wee bit curious.

There's really not much I can say about this movie. I think it's become fairly obvious that the films I'm not too excited about tend to have shorter entries. While it's easy to chalk it up to laziness, it's really due to lack of enthusiasm. It just seems to me that Wes needed some money, and finding a new crop of youngins to butcher via kitchen knife is a great way to get young males into theater seats. Unfortunately, Scream has fallen victim to the very same horror stereotypes it was originally a satire of. That's not to say I won't end up catching this on blu-ray anyway...

The verdict: Save for Blu-ray

Circle

IMDb it

Release Date: Unknown (2010)

Plot Summary: A bunch of students are conducting their thesis on a recently escaped serial killer. Their teacher thought it would be a good idea if they stayed at his childhood home to get inside his mind. Yeahhhh.... she thought wrong.

As next week is Halloween, I wanted to talk about an upcoming horror movie to get in the festive spirit. Unfortunately, I chose Circle. This movie looks so boring, I almost couldn't get through the entire trailer. In fact, I got distracted by an axe body spray commercial. AXE BODY SPRAY. That's actually more terrifying than this movie. I'm sorry, but this just looks god awful. What teacher in their right mind would even consider it a good idea to send students to stay at an escaped serial killer's childhood home?? That's just ridiculous and flat out stupid. While I know some movies require you to believe in the universe in which the story is taking place, there's just no way that would happen in any universe.

The lack of any actors I've heard of should have been an indication this was going to be a stinker. It's seems like it's got a little bit Zodiac mixed with Saw 2, sprinkled with some Friday the 13. Certainly a recipe for disaster. The director has done a few TV episodes here and there, so maybe he should stick to that.

But I digress. This may not be the director's fault. It's hard to gauge a director's abilities through a trailer. It could be a simple case of bad screenwriting and stupid movie studio heads who thought this movie would be a good idea. I think I'd make a pretty good studio head if I do say so myself. Anyone hiring??

That being said, I'm going to save my money on this one.

The Verdict: HELLS no

The Dilemma

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Release Date: January 14, 2011

Plot Summary: Ronny and Nick are longtime friends who are partners in their auto-design business in this bromantic comedy. It seems life can't get any better for the two of them until Ronny catches Nick's wife making out with another man. Ronny's life is turned upside down as he struggles with how (or if) to tell Nick.

Ron Howard will always have a place in my heart for his narrating role in two and a half seasons of Arrested Development (RIP). And for bringing us Richie Cunningham. He's a seasoned director (and actor) whose films have won both critical acclaim and hollywood awards. To be quite honest, a lot of his films recently just don't do it for me. Both Da Vinci Code movies... meh. There are still some gems hidden in there, but I'm more of a fan of his pre-2000 movies like Cocoon, Apollo 13, and Ransom. Oh, and Willow, too. Whenever I hear he's directing a movie, I'm always willing to check it out since he's fairly reliable.

Unfortunately, I don't think I can say that for The Dilemma. If this is supposed to be a comedy, I don't think I laughed once throughout the entire trailer - and that's where they usually put in the funniest parts! Even if it's not the "laugh-out-loud" (LOL...) kind of comedy, it still looks boring and not "laugh-on-the-inside" (LOTI?) funny. How to tell your friend his wife's cheating on him? The whole plot sounds too simple and boring for me. Not that there's anything wrong with simple - Empire Records is one of my go-to lazy Sunday movies. That, and Showgirls - the most unintentionally hilarious movie I've ever seen.

The two leads don't make me want to rush out and see this any time soon, either. I've never really been a fan of anything Kevin James has done. I just don't think he's that funny. King of Queens was overrated, and his resume of films is less than stellar... Paul Blart? Grown Ups? And then there's Vince Vaughn. Vince Vince Vince... I'm sorry buddy, but I think you and I need a break. You just need some time to recollect yourself and take on a couple challenging projects. Hey, that's what you used to do back in the 90's when we met. And then you really hit your high and found the perfect roles for you in Old School and Wedding Crashers. Since then though, you've kinda put out nothing but crap. I know I know... those are some harsh words. But maybe a little tough love is what you need. It's time to retire the 35-year-old loveable, sweet-talking frat boy persona and try something different for a change. Like you, it's not getting any younger. So please take some time off to challenge yourself, instead of accepting any stupid script that comes across your desk. I don't want to have to see a movie called Five Christmases coming out next year...

The only somewhat redeemable part of this movie would have to be the supporting cast. And even then, it's nothing to write home about. I'll admit I'm more favorable toward Jennifer Connelly, Winona Ryder, Channing Tatum, and Queen Latifah, but none of them I'd necessarily call a draw. And how exactly do you address Queen Latifah in a social setting? Do you call her Latifah or Queen? Do you have to bow when saying Queen Latifah? I just need to know in the off-chance I may actually meet her.

The Verdict: HELLS no is kinda harsh. So I'm going to reserve that for the crappiest of the crap. Instead, I'll give this my new verdict of Pass...

127 Hours

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Release Date: November 5

Plot Summary: Based on a true story, mountain biker Aron Ralston falls into a crevasse, getting his arm trapped between a wall and a boulder. He's trapped for (you guessed it) 127 hours and has two options: death or self-amputation. What would you do?

To be honest, this trailer doesn't really do it for me. Don't get me wrong - I do want to see this for a number of reasons, but as far as trailers go... it's not really that good. What immediately turned me off were the flashbacks to Boyle's previous film, Slumdog Millionaire. And while I did love Slumdog, it feels awfully gimmicky to use it as an incentive to get people to see this. Even the best directors are susceptible to shitty movies (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Jack? The Lovely Bones?). I'll admit it does a nice job of setting up the premise, but I still would've liked at least a glimpse of what happens after his arm gets trapped - I already knew that was going to happen before I even watched the trailer.

It does make me a little nervous about the movie itself, but I have a lot of faith in Danny Boyle as a director despite the fact he ruined my favorite book, The Beach. And even though The Beach was flat out awful, it's still got some great scenery shots of Phuket. Besides, it's hard to hate the man that gave us Trainspotting. The cinematography in 127 Hours looks stunning, and there's no shortage of great scenery in Moab, Utah. He's definitely got a vision and his own flair for directing, which makes his movies exciting for me. Boyle is also a very passionate director and it often shows in his movies.

James Franco stars as Aron, and there's certainly a lot of pressure on him to pull this off. After all, the main focus of the movie is his helplessness from being trapped. From what I gather, the scenes from the trailer are pulled from only the first half hour or so. The majority of the movie takes place in the crevasse in a very claustrophobic atmosphere. Supposedly, medics were called for two audience members at two separate screenings in Telluride. While my obvious reaction is a giant eye roll, I do know that watching small spaces for some can trigger panic attacks.

I'm a little on the fence with Mr. Franco - he was great in Milk and Pineapple Express, but I still feel like he needs to prove himself in order to get away from the whole teen heartthrob thing. I'm pulling for him though, and I really hope he'll nail this. There's been some Oscar buzz around it, but honestly, which fall film doesn't have Oscar buzz at this stage in the game? Franco and Boyle are enough to get my butt in the seat on this one, but then there's the addition of Lizzy Caplan of Mean Girls and True Blood fame. She's the icing on the cake - I just wish they showed more of her.

While I don't think I'm ruining anything that's not common knowledge, I'll slap a little spoiler warning on here just in case... did you skip to the verdict yet? I suggest you do because I'm not giving you any more chances to after this... Okay, here we go... I can't wait to see how they handle the amputation scene - I'm sure it's going to be pretty intense. I keep wondering if I were ever in that position, would I be able to cut off my own arm to save my life? I honestly don't know if my body could physically be capable of doing such a thing, but then again I'm sure we're all capable of anything in the face of death. Just thinking about it makes me want to see the movie even more!

The Verdict: In the theater

Black Swan

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Release Date: December 1, 2010

Plot Summary: Competition at its best: two ballerina's fight for the lead role in Swan Lake. Nina would have the role locked up if it weren't for impressive newcomer Lily. As they fight to win over the director, a strange friendship develops. The pressure appears too much for Nina as she dives into a dark place.

Black Swan is the newest film from Darren Aronofsky. As the director of one of my favorite films, Requiem for a Dream, whenever I hear about a new movie of his, I'm instantly intrigued. He's a master of intensity, and ballet makes for a perfect subject. While I'm not a huge ballet fan, I have a great deal of respect for the amount of hours and training ballerinas put into their craft. It seems like it's very easy for anyone to crack under that kind of pressure and it looks like that's where Nina's headed. What I like so much about Darren is that he really wants us to feel what his characters feel and in doing so is able to tap deep into our emotions. Hence why I can only seldom watch Requiem since it's too much to just casually watch.

It can't be left up to the director though to deliver on emotion though, he needs good actors. Lucky for us, we get Natalie Portman in the role of Nina. I know some people love her and some people hate her, but I fall squarely in the "Love Her" category. She really cares about the characters she plays and of the things I've seen her in, I never got the feeling she phoned it in - even in the Star Wars prequels. Her performance in this looks beautifully deranged as she falls victim to the dark side (sorry, couldn't resist). Plus it seems she has a Carrie-like crazy mother who assists in her psychological deterioration. At least I hope that's how it goes - I like me some crazy women.

Speaking of crazy women, as I was watching this trailer, I was surprised to hear the voice of Meg Griffin. I honestly don't think I've ever seen Mila Kunis in anything other than That 70's Show and Family Guy. She has a very recognizable voice, and whenever I hear it all I can think of is Meg Griffin. I'm hoping this will change that. Plus, she shares a steamy make-out sesh with Nats.

All in all, I think this looks promising. I don't know if I'll make it out to see it in the theater, but I would definitely be interested in seeing this. Of course, if it gets stellar reviews like the Wrestler did, you can bet your bottom I'll be there. The part that really made me raise an eyebrow was in the last seconds of the trailer. I have no idea what she pulled out of her back or why her eyes are so red, but I want to know more. Good job, trailer editors!

The Verdict: In the theater

The Town

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Release Date: September 17, 2010

Plot Summary: Set in Boston, this classic love story involves a boy who meets a girl while he's robbing the bank she works at. The masked boy kidnaps the girl in order to get away, then lets her go. Boy later falls in love with girl, but girl doesn't realize who the boy is. All the while, the FBI is hot on the boy's trail as he wrestles with the decison to leave his life of crime.

I'm a sucker for any movie set in Boston. I know it's cheesy, but I love recognizing certain locations. The novelty wore off a long time ago for people living in NYC or LA, I'm sure. I'm also very critical of movies set in Boston since I love listening to actors butcher the accent. There's a certain flair behind it that goes beyond just dropping your R's. Luckily, Ben Affleck grew up in Cambridge, so he's familiar with these kinds of nuances. Already, I'm a bit peeved at the bad rep Charlestown is receiving. First, I haven't heard of 300 bank robberies occuring in Boston per year. Second, Charlestown rocks. Yes, it was a pretty rough neighborhood maybe 15 years ago, but thanks to gentrification, it's a really pretty neighborhood with a lot going on. Yeah, there are still a couple projects, but what urban area doesn't have at least one or two? Third, "bank robbery capital of the world"... really? Really?? I find that a bit hard to believe.

Ben Affleck movies are a bit hit or miss with me. Of course, we all know "Affleck was the BOMB in Phantoms, yo" and almost everything he made in the 90's is golden... except for Forces of Nature. But then he let me down in the zeroes with mostly bad to mediocre films. I did like Boiler Room though. I do hope this ends up being one of his better ones though. After all, the last time he put on a Boston accent, we got Good Will Hunting. Interestingly enough, he is also the director of The Town. I haven't seen the other movie he directed, Gone Baby Gone, but I heard some good things about it. He's still a new-ish director, but I'm curious to see what he can pull off. We all know he can write well. Hell, he has the Oscar to prove it. He is listed as a contributing writer, so we'll see.

Then we have Jem, played by Jeremy Renner, who's pretty much a certified badass thanks to The Hurt Locker. He was great in that film, and I'm really interested to see what he can do here. His character's name makes me giggle since the 80's cartoon of the same name ruined it forever. Someone else who caught my eye in the trailer was Blake Lively. Gossip Girl is a guilty pleasure of mine and I'm curious to see Serena Van der Woodsen in a more adult role. I hope it turns out she actually has some decent acting chops and makes me forget about her being an Upper East Side socialite.

The problem with this trailer is that I'm afraid it gave too much of the movie away. We already saw characters engaged in police shootouts, professing their love for one another, and talking with the FBI in an interrogation room. What else could there possibly be besides just the ending? I also can't help but get the sense that this is The Departed-lite. Either way, I won't rush to the theater to see this, but if it gets decent enough reviews, I'll certainly be checking it out.

The Verdict: In the theater

Devil

"Do I look like such a threat?"



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Plot Summary: A group of people, conveniently mixed of different genders, races, and ages, are trapped in an elevator. Weird, mysterious stuff begins to happen as not all is as it seems. The Devil himself may be among them and even the people trying to rescue them don't know what's going on.

Devil is being marketed as "from the mind of M. Night Shamalayamala," but honestly, that doesn't have the credibility it once had. Ramalamadingdong is one of the most overrated hacks in Hollywood. At least he's not directing it, otherwise it's all but guaranteed to suck. As it stands, it's only likely that it will suck. How this guy is still being given money to create movies is beyond me. Ok sure, The Sixth Sense was great and no one saw that ending coming. Then we had Signs, a mediocre film in which invading aliens are vulnerable to water, even though Earth's atmosphere is made up of 50% water vapor. Shamalama's body of work continued to decline with The Village, and then even further with Lady in the Water. People thought he couldn't sink any lower than The Happening, but then he proved them wrong with this summer's The Last Airbender. The latter being a particularly sensitive subject since the cartoon it's based off of is pretty damn awesome. After this body of crap he's produced, it's a wonder he can still find work.

On to the trailer though. Once I saw the pothead from Super Troopers in it, all I could hear in my head for the rest of the trailer was "the snosberries taste like snosberries." The movie looks a little contrived, and already the trailer hints at the potential for cheesy lines like the one above. Ooooo, could she really be a threat? I don't know, but it's suspicious she alluded to it! Ugh. Maybe I'm being overly critical since it's quite obvious I have a bias against Shmumai, but seriously how can one not?

I also gotta admit, I felt a little nauseous watching, but I couldn't tell if it was from seeing Yamalamala's name or the upside down shots of the city. Either way, I'd like to keep my lunch in my stomach. To be fair, the rest of the cinematography looked like it could be pretty decent. And there were a few moments that made it seem like there could be some good material, but so did The Happening and we all know how that turned out.

I'll still keep an eye on this when it comes out, just in case it ends up being surprisingly good. I love my horror movies, but I'm not holding my breath on this one. Especially since one of the directors is responsible for unleashing Quarantine, a remake of a Spanish film called Rec., on the masses. [Shudder]

The Verdict: Save for Blu-ray

Machete

"I took a vow of peace, and now you want me to help you kill all these men?"


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Plot Summary: Machete, Federale extraordinaire, has been hired by some men of questionable character to assassinate a senator. As with most people who hire others to kill, they are not to be trusted and Machete soon realizes he's been set up. What does he do? What any sensible person would do in his position - exact revenge on those who've spurned him, enlisting the help of some friends... one of whom is a priest.

This movie sounds like an amusing romp full of old-fashioned, over the top violence and lots of gratuitous nudity - all things I'm a big fan of. Machete is the full-length version of the fake trailer which was shown in between the Grindhouse movies Planet Terror and Death Proof. This was arguably the best "trailer" out of the bunch (which also included Don't, Werewolf Women of the SS, and Thanksgiving) and I had been hoping they were going to make it into a full-length feature. Looks like I got my wish!

I figure this is either going to be so bad it's awesome, or so bad it's BAD. Hopefully, director Robert Rodriguez didn't take himself too seriously and had a lot of fun with the content, allowing me 90-minutes brain radio silence and letting my 16-year-old inner child come out to play. That's all I'm asking for, really. I'm not looking for anything revolutionary. Not expecting this to win any awards. I just want it to be a badass homage to grindhouse movies of the 1970's a la Planet Terror and Death Proof.

There's quite the interesting cast of characters, too. First we have Danny Trejo, who finally has the perfect vehicle for a starring role. You've most likely seen him before... he's in roughly 220,348 movies a year. Kinda like William H. Macy in the 90's. Then we have Cheech Marin, who plays a priest enlisted to help Machete with his vendetta. We have bombshells Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in the roles of Eye Candy #1 and Eye Candy #2 (not really). There's also America's favorite train wreck Lindsay Lohan playing... wait for it... a NUN... with a gun!! That's so crazy it could actually work.

I can't forget Robert de Niro, who plays the senator Machete was contracted to kill. Nor can I leave out Steven Seagal. Yes, that's right - THE Steven Seagal. Can't stand him normally, but this guy's so cheesy and bad, this is the perfect movie for him! My final shout-out goes to Don Johnson, for whom I can't think of anything to say...

I'm also a big fan of Robert Rodriguez. Sin City is one of my favorite movies, Planet Terror was the better Grindhouse movie (sorry, QT!) and The Faculty is extremely underrated. He's got a knack for cult hits, so I hope this falls in line.

In order for this movie to work, it really needs to be over the top. And with a gun attached to the hood of a car, and a machine gun shooting off rounds on the handlebars of a motorcycle while Machete flies through the air against an explosive background, I'm hopeful it will. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't, but I'll still be looking forward to this when it comes out.

The Verdict: In the theater

Get Low

"A thousand years ago, he was the most interesting man I'd ever met."



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Plot Summary: Set in 1930's Tennessee, a crazy recluse comes into town for the first time in 4 years to plan a good ol' par-tay. But this ain't any ol' par-tay - this is a funeral par-tay. But this ain't any ol' funeral par-tay either - this is his funeral par-tay. And he wants to have it while he's still alive. And he wants people to come who have a craaaaaazy story to tell about him. He'll cap off the evening by sharing his own reasons for being sooooo crazy and running off to be a hermit in the woods.

The plot alone was enough to hook me. But Bill Murray in another quirky, serious role seals the deal. I know he's supposedly a total ass in real life, but honestly I don't care when it comes to him. It's not like he's in the public eye being a douche or saying things like "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" (I'm looking at you, Mel). Bill is just a cocky, arrogant, jerk - but as long as he keeps giving us performances like the ones in Broken Flowers, Lost in Translation, or The Royal Tenenbaums, then he can be that way all he wants and I'll still buy tickets to his movies. Mel, not so much...

Bill's done a great thing with his career. He's established that he can do mainstream comedy brilliantly starting as early as Saturday Night Live in the 70s. But what he's done over the last 15 or so years is choosing (mostly) smart and risky characters in quirky, independent films. He's unleashed this vulnerable side, absent from earlier work, breathing life into the characters he portrays. I hope that trend continues with Get Low.

There are other great actors as well, of course. Sissy Spacek, crazy or not, is still a great actress. And then there's the Robert Duvall, who's been in everything from Bullit to the Godfather to even [shudder] Four Christmases. I'm excited to see them all.

The whole set-up sounds intriguing, and the trailer definitely leaves me wanting to know what he's going to say to the attending crowd or how it's all going to go down. I'm also on this 1930's nostalgia kick. I have no idea why, but early 20th century America is just so fascinating to me. The country was on the verge of a major cultural shift leading up to WWII.

Unfortunately, I don't think Get Low be getting a wide release and might wind up just playing in smaller theaters. That's just the way it goes with these movies sometimes, unless it's called Little Miss Sunshine or Juno. Luckily, there's an incredible theater a couple miles down the street called Kendall Square Cinema, which will most likely be playing this. Sadly, I don't get to go so often even though I'm just as big a fan of these small, quirky kinds of movies as I am huge popcorn blockbusters like Transformers. There's a certain mindset you have to go in to them with in order to be fully appreciative. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see it in the theater.

The Verdict: In the theater

Pirahna 3D

"This particular piranha vanished two million years ago."


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Plot Summary: It's spring break as tens of thousands of drunk horny college students descend on Lake Victoria. Unfortunately, a recent earthquake opens a fissure unleashing prehistoric piranha on the unsuspecting overly-attractive partiers. Blood and guts follow as local law enforcement try to figure out what's going on and how to stop it.

Piranha 3D is the 2nd sequel to a mediocre film that was made to capitalize off Jaws' success. It follows the 1981 trashtastic sequel directed by the now much better James Cameron. Now, I'm a fan of gory, campy horror movies, and I hope that's the direction this takes - a bunch of self-aware horror stereotypes, but with some hardcore gore and horror.

Christopher Lloyd could be perfect for this kind of movie, so I do have a little shred of hope. And I've seen some photos from the set floating around on the internet and it looks like it promises on the gore. But I dunno, I just have a hard time seeing this as a great horror flick. Maybe it's because there was absolutely no reason why this even needed to be made. Is there some very small circle of Piranha fans that were begging for this?

I think what makes me nervous about this is the 3D aspect. I know I said I'm a 3D fan, but this could be the bad kind. And the specials on the fish look iffy at best. But maybe that'll be part of the charm... having them flying at your face. I'm just saying it makes me a little hesitant to see it right away is all.

Either way, it's coming out in August and hopefully it'll be a fun way to begin the end of summer. I think we can all agree this isn't going to win any awards, but hopefully it finds its place in cult-dom. I haven't made up my mind yet if I'll see this in the theaters on on blu-ray... probably just blu-ray unless I hear it's really cool in 3D.

Verdict: Save for Blu-Ray

The Expendables

"In 10 seconds you won't believe what's gonna happen"


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Plot Summary: A rag-tag gang of mercenaries take a trip to the tropical South American island paradise of Vilena (warning: do NOT google this word...) and meet up with a hot babe. But now's not the time for frolicking on the hot, sunny beaches because this babe called them down there to overthrow the country's genocidal dictator. Begin mayhem.

Expendables looks to be the testosterone fueled he-man action movie to end all testosterone fueled he-man action movies. With a cast that includes Sly Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Ahnuld Schwarzenegger, I'd say they're off to a damn good start.

I'm a bit on the fence about action movies like this. On the one hand, I do love a good ass-kicking, but on the other, I gotta say most of these macho action movies are pretty bad. But I do very much hope this one succeeds. If it fails, it would be a waste of so much amazing ass-kicking talent it would be criminal. Lionsgate better deliver, otherwise they're going to have a lot of pissed off action heroes to answer to. I mean, have they seen Rocky 4??

Thankfully, the Governator was able to take some time off from trying to solve California's massive budget crisis to make a cameo - I don't think this movie could be made without his leathered face in it. Seriously.

The cast alone has garnered enough buzz that I'm pretty sure it'll be successful no matter what. Add to that the fact that not too many R-rated adult action movies are coming out this summer and it's pretty much guaranteed. My money is mostly likely contributing to the gross.

Unfortunately, as I watched this trailer all I could hear was "...with club sauce" in my head after everything the announcer said. And while, it made me laugh, it was a bit distracting. Am I right that it sounds like Gob Bluth is reading that copy??

The movie does look very promising. Fights, explosions, hot girls, guys who wear their balls on their sleeves, "down with America" dictators that audiences can rally against... it's got everything you could possibly need. I just hope it doesn't disappoint like so many before it. I have a really hard time imagining how this could possibly be bad. It looks totally badass and I'm pretty excited. I won't be the first in line... but maybe like 50th or 51st.

Verdict: In the theater

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1 & 2

"Only I can live forever."





IMDB it (Part 1)
IMDB it (Part 2)

Plot Summary: Really? If you don't know what Harry Potter's about you've either been living under a rock or imprisoned in an Austrian basement for 18 years. Either way, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows splits into two parts the final chapter of this franchise. Who will win - good or evil? I'm not much of a gamblin' man but I'm willing to put my money on "good."

I'm going to preface this by saying I have not read the Harry Potter books (I know... shocking, right?). That being said, I still love these movies and I'm very excited for this final one. Harry Potter has grown up and so have the movies. Each movie has been darker than the last, and this trailer leads me to believe that's not about to change. It started out as a light-hearted kid's tale about a boy whose fame precedes him due to being the only one who's ever survived an encounter with He Who Shall Not Be Named. Now, it's transformed into a deep multi-layer character story on good and evil. Not bad for a "kid's movie."

There are lots of elements in this trailer that make me excited for these movies: the promise of an epic battle between good wizards and bad, dragons, Ron kicking some butt finally, the increasingly graceful Hermione, and a final wizard-off between Harry and Voldemort amidst the ruins of Hogwarts. Very exciting, indeed! I've heard some complain about it being in two parts, and to that I say BOLLOCKS! The book is a whopping 1,322,098,234 pages and if they tried to cram it all into one movie it would be absolutely terrible.

Oh, and it's going to be in 3-D! After having seen Avatar 3 times, I'm fully on board with movies in 3-D. But not the kind the hokey kind that throws stuff at your face to try and make you jump - save that for the 80's. I'm talking about the kind that makes you forget for a second that you're watching a movie and gives you the feeling that you're standing next to the camera watching it being filmed. And I'm hoping that's what this is going to be like. When I saw the Half-Blood Prince in IMAX, the first 15 or so minutes was in 3-D and that looked very promising. I'm hoping it either looks the same or better for these.

I've got to hand it to the cast of these movies - each one has played their parts excellently and I've never felt like anyone's phoned it in. My favorite character is probably Bellatrix Lestrange, if only because Helena Bonham Carter plays crazy so well. But I've also got to give director David Yates heaping amounts of praise. He really took over the previous two films and injected a sense of danger and vulnerability that was missing from previous installments and I'm excited to see what he's done with these last two. Don't get me wrong, Chris Columbus did a great job keeping the playful and sheltered tone needed to draw in the young audience - the same he used for his 90's classics Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire. And I have to hand it to Warner Brothers for utilizing different directors like Alfonso Cuaron (Y tu mama tambien = awesome) and Mike Newell to give these movies a breath of fresh air and help mature them with their characters and audience. There was a rumor a while back that Guillermo del Toro (of the epic Pan's Labyrinth) was going to direct these chapters - how incredibly AWESOME would that have been?? But I'm confident Yates is perfectly capable of finishing the job wonderfully.

It's sad to think that next year will be the last year we see a Harry Potter movie. The first would have debuted 10 years prior so it's become somewhat of a normalcy that one is always around the corner. The Sorcerer's Stone was on TV recently and I almost fell off the couch when I saw how young the kids looked. It's crazy to think the first time I saw this movie was in the form of an illegally downloaded copy in my freshman college dorm room. Good times.

Verdict: Opening Weekend

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

"Am I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea?"

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Everybody knows dogs and cats don't get along. But what will happen when they have to team up and stop Kitty Galore from whatever madness she's cooking up?? Oh, and there are pigeons and squirrels, too. "Dogs and cats... living together... mass hysteria!"

Oh... my... gah... what the hell is this crap?? I don't think I'm going out on much of a limb to say watching this movie might make you stupider (ahh! It's already working!!). Whoever slipped that above quote into the trailer is on to something...

There's so much wrong with this movie, I don't even know where to begin. First, "Kitty Galore" makes me want to go all Chris Brown up in here. How dare they disgrace the good Pussy name??

Next, don't they realize catnip is pretty much pot for cats? Great message, Warner Bros. Kudos though, for getting a drug reference by the MPAA.

And a squirrel dancing to the Hamster Dance Song? That makes no sense! Was this movie written in 1999?? When was the last time the Hamster Dance was even relevant?

And the tagline... ohhhhh the tagline... "Just like real spies... only furrier." WHAT!?

Poor poor Fred Armisen and Neil Patrick Harris. I can't believe you'd lower yourselves to this. At least NPH has the luxury of only being a voice and not have to be visibly associated with this dreck.

Parents who bring their kids to this should be investigated by child services for child endangerment. There are lots of better movies to take your kids to, like Toy Story 3 or even Karate Kid. I beg of you, PLEASE don't go see this movie. The only way to stop stuff like this from being greenlit is to NOT GO. Because you flocked to the theaters for Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, we're going to keep getting more of this. In fact, why not just give me your money instead and I'll make a video of my dog "saying" funny stuff.

This movie is just so painful to think about that I don't even want to write anymore.

Verdict: I'd rather watch The Hamster Dance for 90 minutes than this dreck.

Little Fockers

"No, you're not going to erase my son's memory"

IMDB it

Plot Summary: We met the parents, we met the Fockers, and now we meet the Little Fockers. It's not complicated...

Do we really need another one of these movies? The last one came out 6 years ago, and I haven't heard anyone say "man, wouldn't it be awesome if there was a second Meet the Parents sequel??" That's because no one cares. Sure, the last movie made over $200 mil... but it sucked. I'm sure this will continue the trend.

While the title is good for a slight chuckle, it's another re-hash of a recurring joke from the first movie 10 years ago (wow, I feel old)... and the second... Leads me to believe the whole movie will be equally as unoriginal. I guess we should be lucky they don't live on a farm - then we might have to deal with Sheep Focker. Hm, maybe I should get a job writing for Universal.

Even the trailer doesn't seem that funny - and usually with crappy comedies they cram trailers with all the funny scenes. The best they could give us was an erection joke? And while Ben Stiller is king of the walk-in-at-just-the-right-time-awkward-situations, I much prefer his character comedy work like Zoolander and Tropic Thunder. Then again, my favorite movie when I was younger was There's Something About Mary (wow, now I feel older).

Point is, this looks pretty dumb. I'm fully willing to admit when I'm wrong, but I just see "awful" written all over this. There's nothing about this trailer that's appealing or excites me. Now if only I could get Robert DeNiro (poor Robert... what happened to you??) to erase my memory of seeing this trailer.

Verdict: HELLS no

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

"If we're going to date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes."

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Socially awkward hipster band geek has a major crush on too-cool-for-school hipster girl. But in order to be with her, he must first defeat her seven evil exes. One by one he knocks them down... until? Well, I don't know if he wins or loses or even loses but still wins the girl or what.

Whichever way, I'm hoping this movie turns out to be as fun as it looks. I haven't read the comic it's based off of, but I looked it up on wikipedia when I saw the teaser a little while back, and apparently it's an Americanized anime that has a significant cult following. I'm not a huge anime fan, but there are certain ones I do like, such as anything Miyazaki has ever done and I do have a soft spot for Bleach and FLCL on adult swim, so this could be up my alley.

I figured it could go a couple ways; it could either be really good or really dumb and over worked. But after seeing that trailer, I'm leaning toward the really good side just because it looks pretty cool. This is what I would expect a good live-action version of an anime to look like: a bit of campy, over-dramatic, cheese based in reality.

The whole premise just seems like a lot of fun - "defeat my seven evil exes." That's some good stuff right there. I want to see this, but I might not rush to the theater... unless it gets like 100% on rotten tomatoes or something.

Besides, I'd give anything for any semblance of an Arrested Development reunion - "her?" - and since the actual movie is never. going. to happen (it breaks my heart), casting George Michael and Annabell - you know, because she's shaped like a... never mind - together will just have to do. And Bland as a lesbian "ex" is pretty progressive for a comic geared toward teens. Even Scott's roommate is gay (at least in the comic). Take that, establishment!

I really hope I'm not wrong about this one, because while Michael Cera has been in some awesome movies (Nick & Norah) and some awesomer ones (Superbad), he's also been in some huge disappointments (Year One).

Verdict: In the theater (unless I hear it sucks)

Inception

"Dreams feel real when we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange."

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Leo is deeply involved in an operation involving stealing ideas from people's dreams. Corruption runs a muck, and his only way back to normal life (and a fiiiiiiine woman) is to complete one. final. job. With the help of Ellen Page, yay!

I have to be completely honest. I'm totally, 110% unabashedly bias in my verdict of this movie. Ever since I saw the teaser (which, by the way, I will never discuss those here - only full trailers), I had been waiting for the full-length trailer like a fat kid waiting for Easter. The scene with the city streets folding over itself? Chills. I've had the biggest desire to see this ever since and cannot WAIT until its July release. Damn the rating system - I'll be the first in line at Jordan's IMAX when this beast comes out. For several perfectly valid reasons, of course:

1.) Christopher Nolan. Really? Do I really need to go on from here? Despite his short resume, I'm convinced he's one of the greatest directors actively working. What he does with the rest of his career will determine whether or not that claim will be extended to "of all-time." Memento is incredible - even if only for featuring a lovely non-leathered Carrie Anne Moss. The Dark Knight, too amazing for words. This man took a tired comic book comic book movie franchise and transformed it into a masterpiece of cinematic wonder. 2012 can't come soon enough for his third foray into Gotham City. I'm thankful it'll be out before the world ends.

2.) Leo DiCaprio. Past Leo-mania aside, this is a guy who many considered just another teen heartthrob on his way to owning a rehab timeshare a la Corey Haim (too soon?), and has developed into one of the most talented actors of our generation. Say what you will about him, but I honestly believe that. All one needs to do for proof is watch Shutter Island, Revolutionary Road, The Departed, Blood Diamond, or the Aviator.

3.) Ellen Page. Down with the haters - I actually like Ellen Page. She has such a mature, self-aware attitude that really shows in her performances. Ever see Hard Candy? I recommend you check it out and re-evaluate your opinion.

4.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Again, another actor I consider one of the most talented of our generation. Damn the hipsters, I loved (500) Days of Summer. His turn in Mysterious Skin was emotional. And he was really the only redeeming quality in GI Joe. A former "child star" just like #2, he took the same career path by laying low and choosing smart independent films before breaking back into the mainstream a new man.

5.) Michael Caine, Cillian Murphy, Marion Cotillard. Honestly now, when you really think about it, is this not one of the best overall movie casts in a long time?? I've placed these three in their own category because it looks as though they might be ancillary characters. But still, Michael is a class act, Cillian's had some great performances in Batman Begins and 28 Days Later, and Marion is simply stunning. Have to admit I never saw La Vie En Rose, but she was great in Public Enemies. And she's beautiful beautiful beautiful.

This movie has so much going for me. July is right around the corner and I'm starting to dread it's release. I'm terrified that it's going to be bad. The only thing worse for me than seeing a bad movie, is being disappointed in a movie I'm dying to see.

Then again, that's the job of a trailer. Hype up as many people as possible and cash in on opening weekend. CNolan doesn't do movies that way though. He's too much of an artist when it comes to film. Much like Scorcese. That's why I'm PRAYING this movie is everything I hope it to be and more.

The special effects look incredible (I'm sure even moreso in IMAX), the cast is brilliant, the director is amazing, and the story sounds, well, mostly original (I hate to admit it bears a very VERY slight resemblance to The Cell). I just know I'm hyping myself up for disappointment, but I don't care. I really don't.

I can't freaking wait to see this movie.

Verdict: yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesPLEASE

You Again

"I'm also on Facebook. And the Twitter."

IMDB it

Plot Summary: Gossip Girl comes home for her brother's wedding only to find out he's marrying the girl who made her life a living hell in high school. But wise mama knows you can't get through high school unscathed and advises she drop it. But then - dun dunnnnn! - mama's high school nemesis, now the fiancee's aunt, shows up. Hilarity ensues and lessons are learned.

Everything about this movie sends up red flags. Chick flick? FLAG! PG rating? FLAG! Risk of seeing Jamie Lee Curtis's vag-enis? RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I kid, I kid. Obvi JLC is not a hermie. And her work in Halloween is the stuff wet dreams are made of. What made me click on this trailer was seeing Sigourney Weaver and Betty White on the poster. These are two actresses I will see ANYTHING they're in. Anything. Ripley? Perfection! Rose? Exquisite! On the one hand, I'm hoping James Cameron can bring Sigourney back for the next two Avatar films. On the other, I'm hoping someone invents a serum that will make Betty White live forever.

My first after-viewing thought was how the hell in our technology ridden society has this girl never even seen a picture of her brother's fiancee or even know her name?? You'd think she would have realized before she got there who she was.

To be fair, the movie looks like it could actually be pretty funny. Both Betty and Sigourney (and yes, even JLC) have great comedic timing, and I don't think either of them are in a position where they would pick a movie just for the paycheck. Betty White is probably the hardest working actress in Hollywood right now and good for her! She definitely deserves it, even if I am beginning to teeter on over-Betty-exposure. In fact, one of the aspects I liked about the trailer was how much they reined in the Betty and only showed a couple clips. Too many things recently have tried to capitalize on the Bettymania. Oh, and helloooooo Kristin Chenoweth!

Based on the PG rating, it's a safe bet this won't be raunchy and there won't be any nakedness. Again, this could be a good thing since everyone and their mother has been hiring Betty White to say the dirtiest, raunchiest things they can write. Get it? It's funny because she's so old!! And even though I like raunchy comedies as much as the next guy, people do need to realize that you can still be funny without the fucks and the shits.

Frankly, this could go either way for me. It'll either be watered down to the point that it's a soupy mess, or it'll have just the right amount of water for it to bloom (sue me, I'm bad at metaphors). I am interested in eventually seeing it, it just depends on whether it's worth shelling out the $10 bucks to see in the theater, or if it'll end up on my Netflix queue. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on the word of mouth once this hits theaters.

Oh, and Sigourney? You wore it best.

Verdict: Save for Blu-ray

Welome to Trailer Trash

A lot of people think I'm weird. Hell, even I think I'm weird.

Case in point: I love movie trailers.

Whereas most of my friends and family complain about all the trailers before movies, I complain when there aren't enough. In fact, it downright pisses me off. To make up for it, I'll come home and watch movie trailers on Apple for hours.

I'm also the guy that you quietly hear after every trailer say "ooo, I can't wait to see that" or "this looks like utter crap."

And so I bring you Trailer Trash - my own little forum to critique, mock, worship, and crucify (not all at the same time) the hundreds of thousands of movie trailers I watch. I invite you to join me on my journey through coming attractions. Laugh and cry with me. The end of every post (except this one) will indicate if/when I will partake in a viewing:

Opening weekend
In the theater
Save for Blu-ray
HELLS no

There'll be other caveats, too. Point is, there will be some sort of rating scale that doesn't involve stars or grades.

I'm not known for my dedication to a particular hobby (except skiing), so I'm hoping this doesn't turn into another "idea of the day." Stay tuned.

Like I said... I'm weird. You've been warned.